Vespers Rub Phenomenon

A recent study was done on the epidemic that’s been sweeping Southern’s campus. I was very fortunate to interview a fellow colleague of mine who just happens to be an expert on this particular issue. We say down in one of the quaint Southern Village apartments to film this exclusive interview. She, however, does not wish to be identified as having a bias and so has chosen to remain anonymous. I have taken the liberty of bestowing upon her a pseudonym for this occasion. Following is the fictitious and somewhat humorous yet semi-accurate and semi-serious account.

Me: Um, what’s your name?

Dr. C: My name is Dr. C Foster, research extraordinaire.

Me: Well, Dr. C, I understand that you have considerable knowledge and have done extensive research on the issue of Public Displays of Affection here on campus, am I right?

Dr. C: Yes. I have always been fascinated by the, sometimes, obnoxious need to exhibit behavior that should be reserved for the more private recesses of our lives.

Me: Hmm, can you give us an example?

Dr. C: Well, I can give you many, but I want to talk to day about my dissertation study which I did on the Vespers Rub here at Southern. Just a bit of background: the Vespers Rub is an exercise done mostly during Vespers. This is when one half of a couple decides to rub their parter’s back while the service is in progress. I noticed a few years ago that this has become quite popular on campus and so decided to delve more into the issue.

Me: Right. So, Dr. C, what was your dissertation on, may we inquire?

Dr. C: The title of my dissertation was “The Vespers Rub in Context of the Southern Adventist University student in the year 2009 and its Relationship to the Social Statuses of Undergraduate Students.”

Me: Very good. Very good. That’s quite a mouthful. Would you please give the meaning of your dissertation title for those of us who may be inquiring about the meaning of your long, long, long title?

Dr. C: (gives a little laugh) Well, as you know, here at Southern we encounter this thing called the Vespers Rub and I decided to do some research and can now tell you the variations of the Vespers Rub, I can tell you the context used for the Vespers Rub. Any questions about the Vespers Rub I am very happy to answer. I am hoping to publish a How-to book on this phenomenon that will help anyone out there find their style of Vespers Rubs and make it their own.

Me: After studying this, extensively I would imagine, is there any advice you can give for those of us-er, I mean, our audience-who might want to learn about this but who are too afraid to begin the long journey that is the Vespers Rub?

Dr. C: (nods) Yes. Absolutely. Well, the first piece of advice or encouragement, I should say, is that it is never too late to start. I would encourage you to, first, yes, find a partner. I think they call it Vespers dates here on campus. I don’t think people would appreciate it much if you sat down beside them and starting rubbing their backs while they were in the middle of a praise song.

Me: No, I would imagine not. (I laugh).

Dr. C: Now, caution is always advised because, as I said, there are many variations to this particular exercise. One of the most common mistakes made is the applied pressure on partner’s back. But I would rather not delve much deeper into this issue as I don’t want to ruin the premise of my upcoming book.

Me: Aaah, yes. Well, audience, there you have it. You must buy the book in order to learn more. We are running out of time, so Dr. C, are there any extra comments you would like to share before we go?

Dr. C: Yes, like I said before, it’s never too late to start. However, keep this exercise to a minimum as it does cause some discomfort amongst fellow students who may be seated in close proximity. But do keep them up, it’s what makes Southern, Southern.